Die besten englischen Tweets der Woche (4)

Da simma wieder. Nein, nicht im Hofbräuhaus oder auf der Wiesn. Wir melden uns heute schon zum vierten Mal aus Anglotwitter, wo es oftmals noch witziger und punchliniger zugeht als in unserer schönen Almanblase. Wenn ihr gerade keine Gabel in der Hand habt, mit der ihr euch ein Auge ausstechen könntet, und auch niemandem beim Essen zuschaut, dem ihr dann reflexhaft alles vorlesen müsst, woraufhin ihr eine warme, aber unappetitliche Dusche aus Lebensmitteln genießen dürft, dann seid ihr bereit. Hier kommen die lustigsten, lesenswertesten und treffendsten englischen Tweets der Woche!

#1: *Triangelbestellgeräusch*

never really understood why a bad bitch like miss piggy threw herself at that goofy green frog but there is something about a skinny musician that makes women lose their better judgement

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 28, 2023

#2: Oder wenn die Knopfleiste oben ist

amazing to think at 19 I slept in a hostel in the red light district of Amsterdam sharing a room with five Swedish men I didn’t know and woke up in the dead of night to the sound of a rat chewing through our garbage can and now at 35 I can’t sleep if it’s just kinda windy outside

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) February 25, 2023

#3: Hat jemand rausgefunden, wie das geht?

“YOU TURNED YOUR KID TRANS”

Lady I can’t even get my kid to load the dishwasher

— Mx. Amanda Jetté Knox (@MavenOfMayhem) February 27, 2023

#4: Kann man nicht oft genug hören

pick your friends up from the airport, help them move, help them with their problems, cook for them, watch their pets when they aren’t, get them medicine when they’re sick, talk to them, sit with them, hold them. love your friends while you can and do it loudly.

— young&hot. (@tayallard) February 26, 2023

#5: Biden 1:0 Putin

It took an 80 year old man 16 hours to get to Kyiv

The entire Russian army has been trying for 361 days and they are still in the suburbs of Bakhmut

— Saint Javelin (@saintjavelin) February 20, 2023

#6: Die Hölle ist nichts dagegen

I’m at my most insecure, when Microsoft Word asks if I want to save changes to a document, when I’m sure I didn’t make any changes.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) February 27, 2023

#7: So wahr

In every partnership, there is a person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and a person who stacks the dishwasher like a racoon on meth.

— Coley (@ColeyTangerina) February 23, 2023

#8: Sorry, wir packen gerade

Packing is the best excuse. It takes 9 minutes but you can get out of full nights — and sometimes days — of commitments.

— amir (@blumenfeld) February 21, 2023

#9: Alaaaarm!

there is a couple flirting behind me at the gym and the sexual tension is so thick I feel like a pizza guy who just showed up in a porno

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 27, 2023

#10: *Würg*

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) February 28, 2023

#11: Ihr kennt das

Me: *gets home* Did you miss me?

7-year-old: I thought you were in the bathroom.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2023

#12: Hat jemand diesen Mann gesehen?

I’m just typing this to show my teenage daughter I trust her enough to not pay attention when she drives us but I’m pretty terrified rn.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2023

#13: Zitternd gesendet

why would I prepare for an important meeting the night before, when I can do it five minutes before the meeting with the fear of god inside me

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 28, 2023

#14: Schwierig

Feels like you’ve tripped up on the first hurdle here

— James Colley (@JamColley) March 2, 2023

Ihr habt jetzt das dringende Bedürfnis, wegzufahren?

Die Polizei hat’s nicht geseh’n … ich will 15 Tweets übers Autofahren